Facing Fear Head On: A 20 somethings journey of being BRCA positive

FEAR.

For so much of my life, I let fear steer the wheel. 

I quit ballet after my first class because 3 girls made fun of me and I was scared nobody would be my friend.

I didn't ask the boy out because I was terrified he'd reject me and not think I was pretty enough.

I dieted and dieted in fear that I wouldn't be cast in shows because I wouldn't be "skinny enough".

Can you relate? 

The past 2 years of my life, I've been on an intense journey of self discovery and a huge part of that was facing fear head on.

I faced it head on when I broke the diet cycle once and for all, and healed my relationship with food and fitness.

I faced it head on when I decided to pay everything I've learned forward and become a health coach and join a tribe of incredible women changing the freaking world. 

I faced it head on when I took a good hard look at my debt, made a plan and in less than a year, paid off all my credit card debt. 

I faced it head on when I went shirtless on stage for the first time in my life and faced all the body love demons that had been a part of my life for so damn long. 

And heading into this year, I knew that it was time to face a fear I've been living with for a very long time. 

MY STORY 

When my dad was 18, his mum died of breast cancer at the age of 44. 

And growing up, I've seen how that loss took such a toll on him. I mean, losing a parent at all let alone at 18 years old is awful -- and something that I'm so grateful to say I've not had to go through myself. Because goddamn, my parents are my best friends and that's something even just thinking about breaks my fucking heart.

And all my life, I've had this little fear living at the back of my mind that I would have the same fate as my grandma. Call it intuition, call it gut, call it fear, it was super present in my world since I was old enough to understand it.

And that fear came to an all time high during my Sophomore year of college when my Dad got tested for the BRCA gene mutations (more info on all of this and real time reactions on episode 6 of the Live Your F*ck Yes Life Podcast) and found out that he was a carrier of the gene (and the only one of his siblings who is).

At the time, I didn't fully understand what that meant,  beyond the fact that I had a 50/50 chance of getting it, and honestly fear took over every ounce of me that I didn't want to know. I was 20 and the way I felt at the time was that knowing would just make it harder.

So I decided not to find out...until this year.

And you know what? Looking back, I'm grateful I waited.

Grateful because at the time, I was going through SO much internally that I think the information I knew deep down was true -- the fact that I also am BRCA 1 positive -- would have broken me in half.

Now, I'm 27, and while I'm still so young, I've lived a lot of life.

Hell, in the last 4 years alone, I've dealt with a binge eating disorder, orthorexia, planned a wedding, dealt with sudden onset anxiety, bought our first house, started my business, moved out of said home and lived in hotels for 6 months because of water damage, navigated job shifts and health issues with my hubby, started a podcast and beyond. 

And that's not counting all the odd jobs, shows, teaching gigs, travels, mentoring and everything else in my life. 

And while so much of it has been incredibly fulfilling and invigorating, a lot of my life has been filled with obstacle after obstacle -- as I'm sure yours has been too, because hey, that's what being a freaking human being is all about, right?

And while, at the time, those obstacles have felt INSURMOUNTABLE, here I am (and here you are) on the other side of it all, STRONGER for it and more self aware than ever. 

And I sit here, grateful for it all, because it gave me the courage to stop waiting.

To show up as a warrior in my life and put the worries to rest.

So yes, I am a woman living with the BRCA 1 gene.

I don't have cancer, yet. But the chance of me getting breast or ovarian cancer is high AF.

And while that in and of itself scares the SHIT out of me, I've never felt more empowered. Because I get to do something about it.

I don't know what that is yet, but you know I'll be sharing it all along the way, mess and all, 'cause that's how I freaking roll. 

And I'm so goddamn grateful to have you along for the ride.

Xo Amanda 

p.s. if you aren't in our Live Your F*ck Yes Life Community, come on over and join the convo. We're all in this together babe.

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

I've written and rewritten this blog post upwards of 5 times the past few months...because truth? I'm scared to share this shit.

But I chose my word of 2018 to be UNAPOLOGETIC, and while part of that means letting my freak flag fly (aka not giving AF about what people think about my goofy baby grandma-ness), to me, it means committing to showing up every day with a VULNERABLE and REAL heart.

It means no longer allowing FEAR to rule my day to day -- and choosing to CRASH INTO IT and embrace it for all it will show me on the other side.

So, here are the things I'm afraid to tell you. 

(p.s. thank you to Jess Lively for being the major inspiration for creating a post like this in the first place -- if you don't follow her/listen to her podcast, you're missing out! Thank you for being such an inspiration for me to tell my truth. I hope it inspires you to do the same.)

 

THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU

 

I MIGHT HAVE THE BRCA CANCER GENE

Starting big, Amanda. Ok here we go.

When my dad was 18, his mom died of breast cancer. She was 44, crazy healthy and she still was killed by the horrible disease. 

My dad decided to get tested 5 years ago to see if he had the gene and, it turns out, he does. Now, for my brother and for him, the chance of it impacting them are quite small. But for me? It means I have a 50/50 shot of having the gene -- and if I do have it, a 78.3% chance of developing breast or ovarian cancer in my lifetime. 

And those are odds I don't wanna fuck around with.

This has been a big part of my life for a long time now, but it's becoming even bigger because I've decided, after all these years, to finally get tested. 

Why now? Because I'm tired of letting fear call the shots in my life.

Because while it scares the shit out of me, I would rather KNOW so I can make an informed decision moving forward.

So next week, I'm getting tested and I'll be finding out in the next month. Maybe nothing from my perspective will change. But maybe everything will. Stay tuned.

I LOVE BEING A TEAM BEACHBODY COACH

For so long, I hid behind the label attached to coaching -- network marketing, MLM, Beachbody -- call it what you may, it's my JOB and I'm freaking proud of it.

Network marketing companies get a bad rap -- why? Because there are a few shitty ones that put a negative taste in our mouths. You know those companies that encourage their "distributors" to set up parties where you feel pressured into buying some lipstick or face cream you don't want / or suddenly some facebook acquaintance of yours adds you to a facebook group without asking your permission -- yeah, I've had both happen on several occasions and it's not fun.

So when I first found out about Beachbody, I was skeptical AF. 

I didn't know anything about it but I knew it was a network marketing company and there was "no way I'm getting involved with that pyramid scheme BS". 

But I soon got to learn more about the mission of the company, became OBSESSED with the  integrity behind the workout programs and nutrition products & the emphasis on COMMUNITY, building empowering relationships and financial freedom, I soon realized that Team Beachbody does it differently.

WAY differently. 

So yeah, I've been partnered with Team Beachbody for the past 2 years and it was the best decision I've ever made. 

I've found a family in my team.

I've helped hundreds of women change their relationship with food and feel CONFIDENT in their own skin.

And because of this side hustle, I've been able to single handedly pay our mortgage for the last few months. 

You never know what possibilities your life could have if you allow yourself to be open to learning more. More and more women on our team are changing their LIVES because of this opportunity. You could too, if it feels right to you. 

I GAINED 10 LBS OVER THE HOLIDAYS

This one feels SO stupid as I write it out, but it's true. I've been holding myself back from sharing this because I'm afraid of what this means.

The things my inner shit talker has said it means?

"You're a bad coach. You can't even practice what you preach."

"Yup, look at those thighs and that ass. So fucking gross."

"You are such a hypocrite -- don't you preach not attaching your worth to the scale?"

Yup, nasty shit, am I right?

And yeah, I'm up 10 lbs since I last weighed myself in September. 

I know this because I'm starting a new fitness program for my Live Your F*ck YES life challenge & before we begin each challenge, we take our right now photos and measurements so we can track our progress. Pictures are worth so much to my clients (and honestly, to myself) in this process because it's so amazing to see how far we come in our journey. 

However, I normally don't weigh myself as part of these (the scale caused major anxiety for me for so long in my life that I stopped a long time ago), but a few months back, when I completed Shift Shop, I decided to weigh myself and see my full progress throughout the program. And I decided to do the same for this one -- except this time, I was shocked to see I had put on 10 lbs.

I will admit that I haven't been feeling my best.

I ate a buttload of christmas cookies, have been eating more gluten than normal (which I know is an irritant to my body), and the takeout train has been REAL in my house with all the travel and bumps in the road this past month. 

And my pants certainly aren't fitting the way they used to.

The 10 lbs I gained? That part alone honestly doesn't bother me beyond what others might think (because yes, as much as I work my ASS off not to let those things bother me, they still do -- I'm a freaking human being).

What does bother me is that I'm not feeling my best.

Luckily, I have the tools I need to be able to turn that around and shift how I'm feeling alongside my Live Your F*ck YES Life community -- I'm excited to launch into a new workout program, be intentional with the food I'm putting into my body and feel AMAZING in my clothes again.

And there you have it.

Wow, I've gotta say, it feels really good to get all of that off my chest. Ever since I was a little girl, writing has been so therapeutic for me and this post has been uber cathartic to say the least.

I hope me sharing my truth empowers you to share a little bit of yours.

I believe so much in the power of vulnerability -- and that through sharing our stories, we can empower one another to rise up into our authentic selves, and quit hiding behind the bullshit stories we've been telling ourselves. 

Thank you for coming along this journey with me. This community we've built means the world to me and I'm so grateful for each and every single one of you.

Come on over to our facebook community and share something you've been afraid to tell us. Be brave, lady love. You can do it.

Love & light,

Amanda